Yep, fuck cars. Fuck them all. Fuck Fords. Fuck Hondas. Fuck Subarus. Fuck your hatchback, your van, your truck, and your station wagon. They’re loud, they stink, they hog the road, they fuck up the air, they kill people and wildlife. Cars make us lazy, unhealthy, selfish, uncaring, reckless, and worst of all, unimaginative.
Now that cars have mutilated cities they’ve moved on to bigger prey: the entire Earth. The planet that gives us our very lives is being slaughtered just a little bit more with each new Expedition that rolls off the assembly line. Automobiles have waged a war on us. Now it’s time to fight back.
‘Oh, but hybrid cars!’ you say. ‘Oh, but Green Cars!’ you moan. Fuck that. Fuck your Prius. You’re just offsetting the point of pollution. ‘Um, but solar-powered cars!’ Stop it. Solar powered cars would be just a dangerous as one running on gasoline. Quitting fossil fuels is a delusional fantasy for the current rate of Western energy consumption, to say nothing of how hybrids are predicted to make sprawl even worse.
If I sound angry it’s because humankind used to live in harmony with this planet. We used to have a human population that was sustainable. We used to enjoy cities where we could walk, mingle, shop, play and mingle in the street like we were meant to. Then we flushed all that down the toilet, imprisoning ourselves in suburbs solely accessible by motorized cages that deliver us to shit jobs we hate just to afford the very vessel of our incarceration.
So, yeah. Fuck cars.
I’m exhausted by excuses from those who insist riding bikes is a fad for hipsters on track bikes or Parrot-heads on recumbents. From listening to 15 years of lame defensiveness, these auto-addicted cycle-haters seem to break down into three types: the Lazy, the Self-important, and the Insecure. Below is an example pulled from the green-washing ‘lifestyle’ site Treehugger’s Facebook page.
Home Depot: where banality meets The Labyrinth.
There you have it. You clearly CAN’T use a bike if you’re old, have children, want to visit a friend, or buy groceries. NOR can you ride a bike if it’s hot or cold. Don’t even try. It’s physically impossible. Oh, did you need to haul some lumber, or hell, how about literally everything you own? Sorry, can’t be done!
So there’s your in-a-nutshell Lazy and Self-important categories: ‘Can’t be done because I’ve never done it’, or ‘Can’t be done because my life is more important/busy/complicated than yours’. It’s doubtful this type personally knows anybody over the age of twelve who rides.
Obviously, you can figure out how bikes can facilitate all the activities listed above by simply thinking on it for longer than it takes to write a dimwitted comment on the world wide web.
The third set of insecure haters usually have experienced direct cyclist contact. From whatever behavioral limitations malign their lives, they’ve concluded bicycling an absurdity because it looks enjoyable. Call it jealousy, call it self-imposed social isolation. Whatever. They hate seeing people having more fun than they are, and instead of attempting a prison break from their insecurity shell, they instead choose to hate bikes and the sexy people riding them. Examples below.
This was a comment I left on BikePortland years ago gathering the cringe-worthiest reader responses from the always anti-bike Oregonian in typical body-shaming, knee-jerking, car-crazy fashion after witnessing the famed World Naked Bike Ride.
Because what’s more anti-Christ than God’s own image?
Bear in mind, this isn’t some debaucherous Sodom and Gomorrah orgy of two-wheeled Bike Smut. This is the largest and most popular ride that happens in Portland, with thousands of riders packed densely for miles. WNBR is permitted by the city and assisted by police who close the route to cars for the safety of all riders, and is entirely funded through private donations. If driving your car around matters more to you than stripping bare as you dare while pedaling with thousands of other naked cyclists, well then, fuck you. And fuck your car.
Look, we all have insecurities. You have them. I have them. That’s fine. Maybe the sight of a bunch of butt-nekked people on bikes makes you self-conscious, maybe you hate having fun, maybe you just like wandering endless aisles of big-box stores. If that’s the case, that’s fucked – but that’s what’s called a YP – not an MP.
It doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not too late to liberate yourself from the socially-stunting cage you’re driving. It’s still possible to drop the smug attitude about needing a car for your job or your litter of Mini-Me spawn. Even if you have a legit physical condition that precludes cycling, I can virtually guarantee there’s a way around it and onto a bike. There’s a local hero here in Portland with amputated legs named Brian S. Wilson. He rides a bike daily. Not far away lives an entire Car-Free Family, in the suburbs no less.
If you’re reading this rant as somebody who’s already kicked your car addiction and embraced bike-liberation, I applaud you. Now it’s time to help liberate somebody else, I’m confident you already know how. If you’re merely a fair-weather rider who still drives when it’s cold or raining, well, you should know better. Don’t be like Hitler. Fuck Hitler, and fuck cars.